Common Mistakes Parents Make in Parenting Teens – Yell at them

Mistake  – You YELL at your teen  – this often causes them to yell at you and the problems escalate.

Solution:  Avoid constant yelling at your teen.  If shouting is your primary way to deal with children, you will find it is not effective.  After a while they will tune you out. It can also be considered emotional abuse.  Research has shown that you lose 10 – 15 IQ points when you make decisions in an emotionally reactive state of mind (negative).  There is no editing when you yell because of the lower IQ and high emotional level.

Why do you yell?  Did your parents yell at your and you are modeling their behavior?  Start analyzing what triggers you to yell.  Do you do it when you get home from work and you are tired?  You may need to create some unwind time before dealing with your children.  Trying to figure out what pushes your buttons will help you understand what is behind the behavior and give you ideas for how to change it.

If you realize that you are angry, take a break, breath deeply and only talk when both of you are calmer.  If you can interject humor to get people laughing, it will help the stressful situation. Make sure the humor is not at someone’s expense.  You are the adult in the equation, so act like it!  Remember to set an example of behavior you want them to model.  Do you need some training?  Maybe you need to take parenting or anger management classes.  This isn’t a put-down.  I take classes all the time.  Relationships can be challenging and the more knowledge and techniques you have the better.  Keep your emotions in check so you can talk to your teen like you would a friend with a level voice showing interest in what they say.  This will get you better results than yelling.

I had an employee who would occasionally lose his temper for what seemed like a minor reason.  What happened was he had irritating situations but he would not deal with it.  Maybe he had a hard time dealing with conflict.  I said it was like he would put the situation in his backpack.  Eventually his backpack would get too full of irritating situations and that is when he would shout and lose his temper.  This same thing can happen to people at home.  Something Johnny does bothers you but you don’t deal with it appropriately.  You put it in your backpack.  When the backpack gets full of incidents piling up, you yell and your child doesn’t understand why you are so mad.  Children don’t feel safe when this happens.  Dealing with situations as they occur is easier and better.

We all have times that we yell.  It’s constant yelling or yelling like in the situation above that needs changing because it is not effective.  Can you share a time that you yelled and it didn’t work?  Tell us some techniques that you do now that work better than yelling.

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