Mistake  – You YELL at your teen  - this often causes them to yell at you and the problems escalate.

Solution:  Avoid constant yelling at your teen.  If shouting is your primary way to deal with children, you will find it is not effective.  After a while they will tune you out. It can also be considered emotional abuse.  Research has shown that you lose 10 – 15 IQ points when you make decisions in an emotionally reactive state of mind (negative).  There is no editing when you yell because of the lower IQ and high emotional level.

Why do you yell?  Did your parents yell at your and you are modeling their behavior?  Start analyzing what triggers you to yell.  Do you do it when you get home from work and you are tired?  You may need to create some unwind time before dealing with your children.  Trying to figure out what pushes your buttons will help you understand what is behind the behavior and give you ideas for how to change it.

If you realize that you are angry, take a break, breath deeply and only talk when both of you are calmer.  If you can interject humor to get people laughing, it will help the stressful situation. Make sure the humor is not at someone’s expense.  You are the adult in the equation, so act like it!  Remember to set an example of behavior you want them to model.  Do you need some training?  Maybe you need to take parenting or anger management classes.  This isn’t a put-down.  I take classes all the time.  Relationships can be challenging and the more knowledge and techniques you have the better.  Keep your emotions in check so you can talk to your teen like you would a friend with a level voice showing interest in what they say.  This will get you better results than yelling.

I had an employee who would occasionally lose his temper for what seemed like a minor reason.  What happened was he had irritating situations but he would not deal with it.  Maybe he had a hard time dealing with conflict.  I said it was like he would put the situation in his backpack.  Eventually his backpack would get too full of irritating situations and that is when he would shout and lose his temper.  This same thing can happen to people at home.  Something Johnny does bothers you but you don’t deal with it appropriately.  You put it in your backpack.  When the backpack gets full of incidents piling up, you yell and your child doesn’t understand why you are so mad.  Children don’t feel safe when this happens.  Dealing with situations as they occur is easier and better.

We all have times that we yell.  It’s constant yelling or yelling like in the situation above that needs changing because it is not effective.  Can you share a time that you yelled and it didn’t work?  Tell us some techniques that you do now that work better than yelling.

Mistake – Often parents don’t know when to stop talking – they get involved in a discussion and don’t stop talking when in goes in other directions.

Solution:  Stay on the topic.  Don’t let the teen pull you into another topic.  That is easier said than done.  Adolescents are not rational people.  The frontal lobes (logical part) of their brain is not fully developed until about 25.  Most of their decisions are based on emotions and how things look.  They might ask if they can buy a dress and the next thing they are yelling at you about another topic.  They love to try to bully you and if you continue talking, you are feeding the fire.  They will keep it up until you say, “I give up.”

Don’t consider this a competition or something you need to win – like in a power struggle.  You actually lose when you continue the discussion.  Remember that it is important for you to be a role model.  You are the parent.  State a point and stop talking.

It reminds me of when I gave my dog a piece of food at the table one time.  Even though I didn’t give him another piece of food, each time I ate he sat there and stared at me just in case I would give him something.  If you continue talking and then give in, they will continue talking forever.

It is your job to set limits and their job to push against those limits or break them.  If everyone agrees on the limits it helps.  Teens are always pushing against limits.  I felt that every day as a junior high teacher.  Teens want what they want and they will try to get it.  It gives them a sense of security when you are consistent in your response.

A good column about this topic is by Anthony Wolf at this link: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/advice/anthony-e-wolf/the-no-1-mistake-parents-of-teens-make/article2224406/

Have you noticed that you have had more success when you stop talking?  Let me know what your experience is with this topic?

Mistake – Responds to a whining child – Children do what works and they found you listened to them when they whined or cried.

Solution:    What is the definition of whining?  It is when kids make a high-pitched complaining cry or sound and when they complain in a feeble or petulant way.  It is not pleasant to be near a whiner.

My words of advice are to only reward the behavior that you want. My kids learned early that it didn’t work to whine.  I pretended that I didn’t understand them when they whined.  I only responded when they talked in an acceptable, pleasant voice.   I would say, “what, what did you say?”  When they stopped whining I responded to their request.

Children are very good at training us.  If a solution works, they will repeat it – sometimes indefinitely.  If it doesn’t, they won’t use it.  Some friends with two sons in high school came to stay with us.  The teens would whine to get their way.  One even cried.  My kids couldn’t believe what the boys were doing and thought it ridiculous.  What have you found that helps with whining or other inappropriate behavior?

Mistake – RESCUING the teen – when a teen makes a mistake, the parents are always there to rescue them from the situation.  They do this so the teen does not have to ‘suffer’ like they did while growing up. The idea that “parents always want the best for their children” is obviously the reason why some parents come to rescue their teen no matter how bad he acted in a certain situation. “I have to help him because I love him so much,” is a common phrase you hear from parents.

Solution:  Don’t take responsibility for issues or problems that belong to your teen. Children who are always rescued by their parents don’t know how to function later when they become adults.  They are often insecure and can act entitled, assuming everyone will rescue them.  Life is full of choices and teens must learn from their mistakes.  It’s through the struggle that they become more confident in their own abilities.

I encourage parents to let their kids make lots of decisions.  Not all their decisions will work out so you can discuss what they could have done instead – brainstorm, not lecture, the options. One thing you can do is to help them come up with the pros and cons of a decision then let them decide on their own and deal with the consequences.  Don’t feel bad if your teen makes mistakes.  It’s part of growing up.   Teens must learn to suffer the consequences of their own decisions in order to make them responsible citizens in the future.  Isn’t it better for them to start making decisions when they are young and the consequences are minor?

Mistake  – IGNORING PROBLEMS– there are lots of problems that a teenager can get into – sex, drugs, gangs, low grades in school, depression and the quality of friends. At times, overwhelming issues will crop up to the extent that parents will take the road of “banging their head against the wall” simply because they don’t know how to handle the situation.

Solution: Don’t ignore the problem or it could escalate.  In situations like these, keep a positive state of mind while you look for possible solutions to the problem. Some people you could talk to are their friends or their parents, school counselor, teacher, minister or youth minister, psychologist, coach, or doctor depending on the situation.  During adolescence it is normal for teens to rebel and experiment, wanting to explore the world in their own way.  Is this problem a normal part of teens growing up or more extreme?  When teaching junior high students I found some had a harder time then others getting through their teenage years.  Sometimes I wonder how we made it through that period.  I definitely don’t want to relive it.     It’s important for you to LISTEN to them (see blog from two days ago).   Sometimes it helps if they have an adult friend that acts like a mentor.  Someone they can talk to other than you, the parent.  They may listen to them better than you because they don’t have as much of an emotional tie to them.

Mistake – How You CRITICIZE Your Teenagers – some parents criticize their teens when they make mistakes, even in front of their friends.

Solution: It is important for teens to know when they are acting appropriately and inappropriately.  Many parents only see “wrong” behavior.  Parents are to look for ways to boost their child’s self-confidence and always criticizing them, especially in front of other people is not the way to do it.  Instead of bawling them out for their misbehavior, discuss or role-play better choices that they could have made.  Talk in private and not when you are angry.  Don’t always be looking for mistakes.  It is more important for you to catch them doing things right and comment on it.  You might say, “John, I liked how thoughtful you were when you helped Jake rake his backyard.”  It is important to be specific.  Don’t just say, “You are such a good kid.”   Why are they a good kid?  What are they doing that you like?  Catch them in the act.

“No one is perfect” is a phrase said by those of us who have made mistakes. Yes, we often hear this adage from young and old alike, from parents, teens and people from all walks of life. We hope people learn from their mistakes, as it is a great teacher. As parents, we must admit, we do make a lot of mistakes especially in parenting our teenagers. Anyone living with a teen knows how incredibly hard it can be to deal with teenage behavior. Parents always want the best for their children but sometimes life isn’t always a bed of roses, thorns get in the way.  “Thorns” are the problems that parents encounter in parenting teenagers. We must admit it’s a tough job and there is no perfect playbook to follow.  I’m going to write a few blog posts giving some mistakes parents make and solutions for the situations.  Hope you enjoy.  I keep the posts short, as I don’t like to read long posts myself.  Share with your friends if you find them valuable.

Mistake – You don’t LISTEN to your teenager – many parents don’t take time to talk and listen to their teens, perhaps, they’re too busy or in a hurry or they just want to resist the child’s whining.

Solution: We all like to be listened to so listen to your child.  Sit or stand on their level and look at them.  Parents should set a time for conversation with their teen, perhaps during a calm period, when you could talk about homework, love life, drinking, smoking, curfews and household chores. Teens want to know that you care and support them, a feeling that they are important to you; that if something wrong happens, they can count on you.  Let them know you love them unconditionally.  That doesn’t mean that you always approve of their behavior or decisions.

Sometimes it is hard to get a teen to talk.  Instead of asking a teen how their day went, ask them how their day was on a scale of 1 to 10.  If they say 3, ask them what needs to happen to make it a 4.  If they say 8, ask them what made it an 8.  This technique is a great way to open a conversation with your child or even your spouse.  It helps you know their mood.  Listen carefully to your teen, he may have something to share with you or he might have personal problems that need your assistance.

Watch their facial expressions and body language.  Can they look you in the eye?   Is their body facing you?  Do they seem nervous – pumping foot, twirling hair, can’t sit still, etc.?  What is their posture?  Are they sweating? Are they distracted?  Do they seem down about something?  Are they frowning or smiling?  Get used to looking for body language because it can tell you a lot.  Also, help them learn to read body language of other people.  It is a great skill to have.

This is the third of a three-part series on How to Develop a Positive Attitude.

8.  Be an Optimist

Try to see the brighter side of life.  Look at the glass as half full instead of half empty.  Always believe in your own ability – the golden rule to maintaining a positive attitude.  Optimistic people tend to be happier and live a longer life.

9.  Get spiritually connected

Spiritual connection means you engage yourself in reading prayers, spiritual books, meditation or scripture readings. If you are spiritually connected, you know you don’t have to do everything on your own.  There is a spiritual source (for me God) to help guide you through your life.  I find that reassuring.

10.  Change a negative attitude to positive

Do you know what will help you get a positive attitude if you wake up in a bad mood?  This is one of the characteristics of someone with a high emotional intelligence.  For me it would be to take a walk or get my heart pumping at the gym.  For some it might be to read an inspiring book.  A positive attitude in life can help you achieve your dreams, advance in your career, and people will enjoy being around you.

11.  Don’t surround yourself with negatives.

I seldom watch the news, as it’s too negative.  My husband loves CNN.  I can only watch it a short time.   The negative news and repetition bore me.  When reading a newspaper you can easily choose which articles to read.  You might think that I don’t know what is going on in the world, but I do.  I scored in the top 15% of people taking an Internet world events questionnaire. I just refuse to get bombarded with the repetitive negative news on TV.

I find negative people boring and a pain to be around.  If negative people don’t get the response they want, they might change.  If they don’t change, move on to other friends or they will drag you down.  If it’s your family, either reframe negative comments to positive ones or ignore their negative comments.  I know I’m being simplistic here but I’m sure you get the idea.

12.  Only worry about things you can change.

It’s hard to be positive when you are worried.  My grandfather said not to worry about things that you can’t influence and I took his words to heart.  I do lots of planning to make an event turn out but I don’t spend time worrying about things once it’s planned.  Plans get modified depending on what comes up. Being flexible so you adapt to new situations easily is key to being happy.

This is part two of a three part series on How to Develop a Positive Attitude.

4.  Be Resilient
Most people have lives that have highs and lows.  Get used to change because that is the only thing that is guaranteed.  Always be ready to face setbacks with perseverance. Work through the struggle.  Every struggle has a message for us.  The low points in our life can create a whole new career helping other people though a similar struggle.  Take life’s difficulties as challenges rather than with fear, self-pity, inferiority or blame. Develop the habit of positive self-talk and remind yourself that you are strong.   You can grow stronger and wiser as you handle life’s challenges.   I work with the nonprofit Girls Inc. Metro Denver. Their mission is to inspire girls to be strong, smart and bold.  Wouldn’t it be great if everyone felt strong, smart and bold?

 5.  Don’t Believe Everything Your Inner Voice Says

Listen to your inner voice and talk to it.  You might be saying, “What inner voice?”  It’s that voice in your head that is saying, “We don’t have an inner voice.  What is she talking about?”  Our inner dialogue is our biggest strength and a big critic.  When my inner voice tries to hold me back in my comfort zone, I say, “Thanks for sharing,” and move on.  It’s important to have a good relationship with your inner voice.  The purpose of your inner voice is to keep you safe so listen to comments and see if they are legitimate.  Just remember that what your inner voice says is an opinion and not fact.

6.  Laugh Away

Laughter is the best medicine so make it a part of your day. Laughter is known to be a mood elevator, a stress reliever and has many health benefits. If you feel down, read funny stories or joke books. Watch a comedy.  See the funny side of things and you will soon realize, that life is a complex, yet funny game.  If you don’t feel like laughing, fake it.  Your brain doesn’t know if something is true so you can fake a laugh and your brain will think it is real.

 7.  Seize the day

A proverb by Carpe Diem goes, “ Always enjoy the moment. Do not worry about your past or future. Live for the day. What has happened is irreversible and what will happen is unknown, so try and enjoy what you have.”  Take time to smell the roses and thoroughly enjoy TODAY.  I like the song that talks about live like you are dying.  Priorities shift when you think you are going to die. People tend to spend more time enjoying the moment, less time at work and more time with family and friends.

Positive people are much more fun to be around.  They seem to have a “Can Do” attitude that is infectious.  My next few blog posts are about how to have a positive attitude.  I would like to quote a phrase from Zig Ziglar, which goes this way “It’s not what happens to you but how you handle what happens to you, that’s going to make the difference”.  Our reaction to situations is what is important.  This idea coordinates with the positive “I Can” attitude, which so far is the best approach to a successful life. He shares a story about Celestine Baker, a high school student who has a lung disease called “Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy.”  She is unable to walk. In spite of her illness she still managed to go to school and maintains a “can-do attitude”.  With all the negative news, it is very difficult to maintain a “Can Do Attitude”.  However, there are steps you can take to help maintain a positive attitude:

1.  Do Not Wait for “Things” to Make You Happy

People are more positive when they are happy.  Unfortunately many people base their happiness on external things.  Many people say, “I’ll be happy when I retire or when I get a new car or when I go on vacation.”  Often the planning that goes into a trip can be more fun than the actual trip.  The anticipation is fun and exciting.  External things make you happy for only a short time.   I bought a new car last fall.  The excitement lasted about 1 month. Now it is just my car without the excitement.  Happiness is an internal job.  YOU are the only one that can make you happy so learn techniques that can help that along.

2.  Live a life of purpose and passion

Think back in your life to the times that you were most happy.  What was similar about them?  That will give you an idea of what your purpose is.  Try to figure this out so you can do the things that you are passionate about.  That always makes me happy.

3.  Learn to say “NO”

Examine your life and schedule when a new opportunity presents itself.  Is there something you wish to take out of your schedule and replace with the new opportunity?  Piling on more and more activities gets to be oppressive.  Is what you are doing helping you reach your goals?  Does it align with your values?

There will be 9 more ways to keep your attitude more positive.  Look for them coming up.